"All of my heart." Part 3 Sam

Reprise:

"Once upon a time

I was falling in love,

Now I'm just falling apart,

Nothing I can do

Total eclipse of the heart"

Sam & I were so in love, I felt I was living in a dream, and when I look back on those heady days I can still feel the intensity and it was probably the most intense, exciting time of my life, but it was filled with anguish too. I was 21 and looking for commitment and long term love, Sam was only 17, I was his first love and he was finding it hard to be everything I needed of him. He still wanted to be out with the boys, playing at being an airman, and spending solitary time with his bike.

Even my Mum could see this and she wrote me a letter when I was still in Uni, saying how much she liked Sam but not to expect too much from him, I suppose I knew what she meant but it's hard to act on.

After my finals Sam came up to Manchester and we spent a most intense and wonderful week together, it was such fun, staying in bed all day and playing house! Then we had to pack up all my things and I hired a van which I drove back to Norfolk in, Sam became very quiet on that journey home. And that seemed to be a kind of turning point, when things were never quite the same again.

Back at home in Norfolk, I found myself alone quite a lot, Sam didn't come round every day and if he did it was often very late and not for long. I found myself getting very cross with him, so we'd end up arguing and upsetting each other. There were good times too, like the night we went out in the motor cruiser and anchored up in the middle of The Broad, or the night when my parents were away and he crept in through the kitchen window and slipped into bed beside me and gave me such a shock!, but they were getting few and far between, it felt like I was always the one chasing after him and that he had more important things to do.

During this summer another family arrived and took over the village shop, they had 2 daughters, Mandy and I got friendly with them, Sally & Fiona, Sally was fun to be with but told very tall stories and whenever something good was happening she'd always have some tale of disaster. Eric started going out with Sally , they got together on the night that we were celevrating Sam's 18th birthday. But they weren't to last long and I found myself spending time with sally and she planted seeds in my mind about how badly Sam was treating me and why did I stay with him. I guess she was only telling what I already knew.

I had to go up to Leeds to hunt for a flat as that was where I was going next to study. I found a tiny little bedsit at the top of an old house. So at the beginning of September I wanted to go up and take my things, Sam agreed to come too, we took my dad's little van, Sam drove most of the way, I'd been teaching him to drive over the past few months and he was very competent by then, I only had to take over on the Motorways!

Once again we had a fantastic couple of days togther and I remember commenting on the way home "That we were like an old maried couple", which i think he quite liked the idea of.

Anyway, once back home Sam was off on one of his Cadet jaunts so Sally & I decided to go away for a few days to Stratford upon Avon. We stayed in a little boarding house and there I met Jerry, a salesman, who flirted outrageously with us , it turned out his room was next to ours and in the night I heard this insistent tapping on the wall, when I peeped out of our door, there stood Jerry who beckoned me in to his room. As I'd been feeling particu;arly annoyed about Sam because of how Sally had been running him down, it seemed like a good idea to go off with Jerry. I won't go into detail, but lets just say there was some intimacy between us but not all the way. It didn't feel right.

The next morning Sally & I returned home, after a brief goodbye to Jerry, never to be seen again!

We got home on the Friday, Sam was due back on the Saturday, Sunday was my 22nd birthday.

Mandy , the gang and I had planned to go to our favourite club on the Saturday to celebrate my birthday. I was assuming that Sam would be coming, I wasn't intending on telling him anything about Jerry, it wasn't important.

Saturday evebing, the phone rings, it's Sam, he's back, he's very tired, he doesn't want to come clubbing, I'm cross and tell him so. He agrees to come over and see me, I'm beginning to see the futility of this relationship and when he does come round we tart to talk about what is going wrong, I stupidly tell him about Jerry, he's angry and upset. He says "It's best if we finish things now", it's not what i really want but I agree. We decide to go our separate ways, after all I'm off to Leeds in a day or two, he'll be joining the RAF in 6 months. I walk out to his bike and we have one last kiss,......... sorry, I'm getting all choked up, I can't see the keys for tears rolling down my face, tissues please! He tells me he loves me but this is for the best, As he rode away the tears just fell down my face.

I had to pull myself together as the girls were coming round and we were going clubbing, I couldn't let them down.

They arrive and realise what has happened, we agree to go anyway, We jump in the car and Mandy has on ABC, suddenly the following song comes on

"Once upon a time when we were friends

I gave you my heart. the story ends No happy ever after, now were friends Wish upon a star if that might help The stars collide if you decide Wish upon a star if that might help What’s it like to have loved and to lose her touch? What’s it like to have loved and to lose that much? Well I hope and I prayThat maybe somedayYou’ll walk in the room with my heart

Add and subtract But as a matter of fact Now that you’re gone I still want you back RememberingSurrenderingRemembering that part All of my heart

But I hope and I prayThat maybe somedayYou’ll walk in the room with my heart Add and subtractBut as a matter of factNow that you’re gone I still want you backRememberingSurrenderingThe kindest cut’s the cruellest partAll of my heartYes I hope and I prayThat maybe somedayYou’ll walk in the room with my heartAnd I shrug and I sayThat maybe todayYou’ll come home soon SurrenderingRememberingSurrendering that part-all of my heart All of my heart"

Those words just sent arrows into my heart and I just started to cry and cry and cry.

I got through the evening, but spent the next day crying on and off, I went with a friend to the cinema, it was my birthday but what a horrible birthday. I'd ruined everything. A year ago, it had all begun and now it was in tatters.

Whilst I was out Sam came round and left my birthday present. It was a cute biscuit caddy and he had painted on the bottom, "All my love forever, Sam XXX" .

Iam ashamed to say I then chased round the villages trying to find him and eventually caught up with him at his brothers, he tried to escape with out seeing me, it all became quite farsicle. In the end he agreed to come and see me to talk the next evening.

Which he did, we agreed in the end that it was best to leave things as they were but that we'd see how we felt in a few months time.

It felt like the end of the world, but in actual fact, the world is still spinning and we have remained intouch all these years, I guess there was a quiet period for a year, but then we started writing to each other again, he had a new girl friend, then I met Stan, he finished with his girlfriend around time of my sister 's 21, she had a party, I was there with Stan, Sam was there too. Stan doesn't dance but Sam asked me to dance with him.......................There we were back where we'd started, the intensity of feelings was still there, I just melted into his arms. Later as we were all getting ready to go, he kissed me and I was in turmoil. Stan knew but said nothing. But for months after that I didn't know what to do, whether to leave Stan and go back to Sam, but it was too complicated , house wise, job wise and Sam was miles away in the RAF.

Sam eventually settled down with an old school friend and I married Stan, but Sam still holds a special place in my heart and was the "Love of my life".................